It starts as this pinprick. The insidious nature of fear as it freezes the body and at the same time makes the heart pump furiously to send all the blood away from the organs to the outer extremities.
It can happen so suddenly that it feels like someone punched you in the stomach or it can creep up on you and just linger with the low, gray heaviness of the clouds of November skies. The shards of fear can also be so sharp that you can really believe it possible to be shattered in a million pieces.
This old bastard of an emotion in all of its above mentioned forms has an often traveled, well worn path into my soul.
I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Growing up with uncertainty and high drama as part of my foundation, it is been with me as a constant companion. It is not hard in this world to be fear based as we are constantly being bombarded with messages from the media and our culture telling us to be afraid.
Be very afraid! Be afraid of Muslims! Be afraid of people with different color skin and beliefs! Be afraid of evil corporate bastards! In my observation two of the biggest fears are poverty and disability because they can happen to anyone therefore judgement about those who live in poverty and pity towards those with disabilities feed into fear and act to separate us from those undesirable circumstances.
And of course, the biggest fear of all. Death. Change which we resist with all our might is like a little death because we have to let go and surrender
into the flow of life. To admit we, who work so hard with all our plans, are not really in control.
So here is Fear. Fear big and mighty, fear, lingering and small and everywhere inbetween.
But is there another side of fear? If so, what is it? How do I get there?
One of the greatest gifts of my yoga practice has been working with this practice called “Riding the Wave”. Being in the body, which is where we physically experience the sensations of fear, and holding a yoga posture for a significant time. All sorts of fun stuff comes up (sarcasm here..) strong sensation, strong emotions such as anxiety, shame, denial all show up demanding your attention! You give it your attention by meeting these strong sensations with the softness yet firmness of the breath cycle. You meet strong sensation with softness! Imagine that! You witness and observe the emotions, meeting them with the deep even breath cycle. Maybe you cry. Maybe you let go. Maybe you realize that it is not necessary to live in fear all the time. You practice this often. Maybe you start to notice changes in how you respond to things in your daily life that normally provoke anxiety. Maybe you notice in the midst an extremely challenging situation where you are witnessing your child, your very own heart, suffering greatly, and you are actually able to be present and not somewhere down the black hole of your own personal hell and you can witness her suffering and actually provide a healing presence. Maybe you start to notice the familiarity of something else. The other side of fear.
Presence. Grace. Compassion. Acceptance. Connection. Courage.
