Physical & Emotional Pain. Living the Practice.

While I don’t identify with the good vibes only wellness industrial complex, my life’s work involves working in spaces offering tools for wellness- in an unwell world, in unwell times and not always feeling well myself.

Learning to speak my pain and honor my pain is emergent for me. Complaining is easy and always available but venting is a bandaid on a gaping wound.

Honoring my pain with tenderness, with compassion and ACCEPTANCE is an act of radical transformation. The irony about acceptance is that it is not complacency, but fertile ground for growth.

So, this year my Dad died.

And, this year, chronic pain, aches, muscle spasms, cramps, fatigue, sleep issues and generalized anxiety and depression became a lived reality and a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

What do you do in the face of this seemingly suck ass scenario?

Well, I have an excellent therapist and doctor.

And I have practices.

AND

Well, I grieved (and still grieve) hard. The 6 year old Rachel emerged and was given space to acknowledge how scary it was to have her life uprooted and changed. 57 year old Rachel knew in her bones she has been grieving her Dad her entire life. The integrated Self spent time healing relationships (this is ongoing and will be life long) in the messy, complex family that is mine. Layers and waves of grief exist here but so does renewed tenderness for myself, all of my sisters, my cousins and all of us who grew up with (mostly) unwell parents.

Whew!

In the meantime, what had been increasing stiffness in my joints, became full blown body aches in muscles, pain in joints, fatigue and nightly muscle spasms. Sometimes at night, my entire body would spasm and the only way to stop the spasms was to put weight in my feet, stand and walk around. Not very conducive to sleep. Sometimes my walking around was accompanied by weeping.

Keep in mind, I am a movement practitioner and Yoga teacher who teaches 5-7 classes a week, walks twice daily, uses free weights, resistance bands and explores functional movement. I also have a diet that is around 65 % plant based and eat very little processed food. And that is well and good and extremely helpful and beneficial to me to not have to start with a sedentary life, with poor eating habits and it is still work.

WHAT I AM LEARNING!

Well, when the walking around at night and weeping happens, I let myself feel what I feel and then place a hand on my heart and one on my belly and walk slower, breathing slower.

Just the act of placing my hands here offers comfort and a meeting myself where I am at in this moment.

This is big.

Only in meeting myself with compassion does a softening occur that releases some of the constriction around the physical pain, exacerbated by my emotional pain.

WHAT IS WORKING FOR ME SO FAR!

• Getting to bed before 10:00 pm with magnesium sleep tea, epsom salt rub down on sore muscles and joints and binaural beats music for sleep.
• MOVEMENT! Exploring my pain free range of movement, strengthening exercises and creative movement (my description of the awkward flailing otherwise known as dance).
• MINDFULNESS! Paying attention, without judgement to the needs of my body and my nervous system.
• HYDRATION & NUTRITION! Staying hydrated and eating plant based proteins and non-processed foods.
• PRACTICING GRATITUDE! For a little perspective, I work in hospice. Fibromyalgia is not degenerative or terminal. I also live and work in the field of movement and wellness. I have privilege that allows me access to fresh foods, and time to tend to my needs. Don’t get me wrong, this hits financially, but I am resourceful and grateful for resilience.
• MEDITATION! Fu$%ing game changer! Try sitting with an undesired situation and doing that over and over and over. Slowly, your reactivity changes. Perhaps you soften, allow, accept. This, even with all the fidgeting and mind wandering is the fertile ground for transformation.

WHAT I DON’T WANT!

• Pity. Nope. No thanks.
• Unsolicited advice. Nope. No thanks.

WHAT WE ALL NEED!

• Support
• Love
• Compassion
• Grace
• Deep listening
• Play

“The wound is where the light enters you.” RUMI